taking light into dark places

oh candice, these images are beautiful.

and of course you sent them just at the right time.  my friend donna had asked me to speak about goals/vision boards for her relief society.  wow.  she and her committee did an amazing job.  when i walked into the cultural hall i was totally speechless.  it was more beautiful than any wedding i have ever been too at a church.  and then i felt a little more intimidated about my part in it:).  

it wonderful to find these images after that night of speaking of visions and dreams.  

and for me this year it has been light.  and look at that last image.  me, holding light.  again, isn't candice amazing?  i paired the dark image with the light image.  originally all the images were going to be dark, but the timing of the pictures didn't give us the correct lighting for that.  and i know that wasn't part of candice's original vision, but looking at these i am so glad they are filled with light.  and i love pairing that dark image with the light image at the end.  and truly, light is more beautiful and precious to us when we have felt the darkness.  

and i'm moving more and more into the light.

and it may sound strange, but after i have reached a few big goals with my anxiety, i felt this amazing celebratory high and then i felt down.  really down.  

i was grieving.

grieving for all the time that felt lost to be to my anxiety.

once i had been brave, then i could look back and truly feel all the heartache of not being brave.  or prehaps being brave, but the brave was so small and so hard.  and being on the other side of it now suddenly that felt sad and hard to look back on.  and i realized fully how hard it was, being on the other side of it.  and i greived a bit.  

and i wasn't expecting that.  

i was surprised to read this yesterday and knew exactly what the feeling. . .

"It would be easy to live a great story, have it end, and go into a depression. . .After celebrating may come an appropriate season of grieving.  You can archive your memories and reflect on them but at some point say goodbye to that story and move on.  This is where a lot of people get into trouble.  They don't move on and so [they] fall back into the existential vacuum.  When I say move on, I mean start planning the next story.  In order to stay in Logotherapy [therapy by Victor Frankl] we need to have ambition we're working toward, some conflict to overcome and a climactice scene that is pulling us forward.  Treat your stories like swinging ropes in a trapeze.  When you let go of one, reach out for the next and continue moving forward."

i have had three years to work on that one climatic scene for me.  and now it's time to let go of that rope and move to the next.  

as i finished yesterday night i thought no one here truly knows what an accomplishment speaking to 60 women in a different ward is for me.  no one knows that a year ago it wouldn't have even been possible.  or even a few months ago i might have been able to do it, but made myself really sick in the process.  and last night i did it.  i fumbled a bit and couldn't really talk to the people or eat much dinner before my part.  and at one point i thought, "donna owes me big for this:)."  

and this week i have felt my life shift again.  it's time to let go of one rope and swing to the next.  and i am always amazed at God's timing.  a shift that even a month ago i wouldn't have been ready to make.  but He was preparing me and pushing me a bit.  and even giving me enough time to grieve.  

"In real life, there's no dramatic music playing in the war scenes, it's just mud and trenches and bullets and blood.  But make no mistake, those mundane moments in which we show up and push the plot forward are eternally powerful and significant. . .

Over 200 times in  Scripture the text says Do not fear.  This is the most often repeated command in Scripture.  And we must obey.  If we do not consistently face fear, we aren't following God.  God takes light into the dark places, and so must we. . .

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell me you weren't designed for an adventure.  I know it's scary, but think about your passions and your desires and your longings.  Weren't you made to just go a little farther than your fear suggests?  Living a good story isn't safe, but it's meaningful.  Face your fear.  Conquer it.  And if it conquers you, show it how it didn't end you.  Get up and live another great story.

Remember. . .showing up every day is a revolutionary act.  Let's show up to life.  Let's prove how beautiful it can really be.  Let's face the conflict, redeem it, conquer it, and allow it to mold our character.  Let's participate in what God is doing in the world.'

sometimes the dark places are ourselves and God takes the light there.  and shines it around.  and heals us.  mends us.  and then asks us to share that with others.  

Comments

[Brooke]

Beautiful my brave friend.

[joan]

truly deeply love this!

[Angie Taylor]

I need to read that book you mentioned on goodreads. I can hear you quoting it. I love your voice and how much you share about yourself. I think I share things about myself, but always in a humorous way so its safe and i end up never really getting to the meat of things.

[Olivia]

Beautiful posts. I need to remember NOT TO FEAR. Thank you for the reminder!

[courtney]

I love these! glad they turned out! (and by that I mean the dress looks ok)