alchemist's eyes: gratitude day 363: "tim"

"In another very unexpected discovery, my research also taught me that there's no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we number the dark, we numb the light. While I was 'taking the edge off' of the pain and vulnerability, I was also unintentionally dulling my experiences of good feelings, like joy. Looking back, I can't imagine my research finding that has changed what my daily life looks like more than this. Now I can lean into joy, even when it makes me feel tender and vulnerable. In fact, I expect tender and vulnerable. Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn't come with guarantees--these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. When we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy. . . We can't make a list of all of the 'bad' emotions and say, 'I'm going to numb these' and then make a list of the positive emotions and say, 'I'm going to fully engage in these!'

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy--the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

my high school drama coach said anger was an easy emotion for high schoolers to use in acting. but the tender moments were much, much harder for a student to play well. this year i feel like i have taken risks to share my vulnerabilities in my weaknesses and my pain. but why is it that describing joy feels the most vulnerable yet? how do you write heart-cracking, light-filling- up-the-spaces, tear-inducing moments?

"It is actually difficult to edit life. Especially in regard to feelings. Not being open to anger or sadness usually means being unable to be open to love and joy. The emotions seem to operate with an all-or-nothing switch. I never cease to be impressed by the capacity of some ill people to live life more fully than most, to find more meaning and more depth, more awe in the ordinary. Perhaps it is because they have allowed the events of their lives to take them to some extraordinary highs and lows. Meeting people there is a choice." Rachel Naomi Remen, Kitchen Table Wisdom

a couple of weeks ago i was talking with a girl i had just met. i mentioned i was married and she asked, "how did you know?" i could tell the answer to this question was a sincere yearning for her as she leaned forward, perhaps waiting for the magic answer.

i said, "i remember one night when we were dating. it was late and i was falling asleep. tim kneeled down next to me and started singing a lullaby. the lullaby that his mom sang to him. and i knew then that i would marry him."

and i did.

and now he sings that same lullaby to our children.

“Hope is hugging me, holding me in its arms, wiping away my tears and telling me that today and tomorrow and two days from now I will be just fine and I'm so delirious I actually dare to believe it.” --Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me

tim--as i scrolled through some pictures of you--i saw lots of pictures of me:). you taking pictures of me and telling me how hot i am. pictures of you at the gym--so i could see how hot you were. and hundreds of pictures with the kids. on all the "daddy dates." most involved donuts and grandma's house. pictures of you at the dunking booth, the pie-contest, cub-scouts, primary all for the good of the ward. there were only a few pictures of us snuggled up watching movies (or the bachlorette). you are a brave man to take me to every showing of the twilight saga for several anniversary dates. for the flowers again and again. and as i scrolled through my texts i saw how many errands you run--sending me pictures of squash in the produce department--wondering if that's the right one or not. or looking for obscure ingredients from good earth (and then eating them later). as i scrolled through the pictures i found a short video you took of me cooking dinner. you said, "aren't we the luckiest family in the world?" and then little skyler said, "no." when asked why he said, "because we don't have any treasure."

skyler, i assure you we do.

thanks tim for hugging me, holding me, wiping away my tears and telling me i'm just fine (well really the greatest woman alive) and that everything will be just fine. and i'm believing it.

. . . and thank you for singing "magic, magic, magic, mah mah mah magic" over and over again since i chose that as my word for 2012. and when i moaned last week and said my life wasn't magical you said, "it's not 2012 yet. just wait."

can't wait to eat fajitas at los hermanos with you tonight. where the magic all began:).

heather and michael graham (with timeless woods) surprised us with this beautiful proclamation frame on christmas eve. i said it was too much (and it was) but that i would happily take it.