alchemist's eyes: gratitude day 322: "my wholeness"

all i can offer

is all i have.

and it may not seem like much.

especially when compared with others.

but it is mine

to give.

"I begin and end every day with a very old ritual that was taught to me by a gentle elderly woman who is a Tibetan nun. Each morning, the first thing after awakening, you take a small empty bowl that you keep for this purpose and fill it slowly to the brim from a source of running water. Doubtless, the originators of this ritual had in mind some high mountain stream. I used my kitchen faucet, turning it on and letting it run for a while before passing my little bowl through the water to fill it completely.

As the bowl fills, you reflect on the particulars of your life, whatever they are. The people with whom you share your time, your state of health, whatever problems you face, what skills and strengths you have, your disappointments and successes, your worries, your personal gifts, your personal limitations, your home, all your possessions, your losses, your history as a human being. As the bowl fills, you receive your life openheartedly and unconditionally as your portion. Walking very slowly so as not to spill a drop out of the brimming bowl, you take it to a private place in your home, perhaps a personal altar, and place it there, dedicating all that it contains to the service of life. Leaving the full bowl in this place, you begin your day.

I find that this practice has been profoundly healing to me. The thought that all things can be used equally to befriend life seems to soften the edges of things, to break down the boundaries between one’s sorrows and one’s joys, one’s wounds and one’s strengths. They may be of equal value in serving life. Perhaps it is through such consecration that all things will ultimately reveal their true value and meaning.

Each evening, the last thing before going to sleep, you take the bowl outside and empty the water out onto the earth. Then you place the empty bowl upside down in its special place in your home, turn out the light, and rest. Perhaps this cycle of openheartedly taking on whatever one has been given, using it all to serve the life around you, then letting it go completely refers as much to the wisdom of living a lifetime as it does to the wisdom of living each day." Rachel Naomi Remen, My Grandfather's Blessings.

i've been deeply thinking about the concept of wholeness through this last week.

what it means to take all of yourself.

and accept it.

accept your past, your limitations, and your very present.

as a recovering perfectionist i have always tried to carve out those parts that were less than perfect.

ignore them.

or hide them.

or shame them.

but they are a part of me. just as a any part of my body is.

and i wondered about that.

all week long.

"I've spent many years learning how to fix life, only to discover at the end of the day that life was not broken. There is a hidden seed of greater wholeness in everyone and everything. We serve life best when we water it and befriend it." Rachel Naomi Remen

how could i not think that i was broken?

or that life's experiences had not broken me?

that i could accept the weaknesses and failings as part of me?

that there was room to acknowledge them and perhaps even use them?

could the very things i fought and struggled against. . . the things that made me cry desparate tears, in turn, be part of my own offering?

could i serve life with my sorrows and wounds. . .

as well as with my joys and strengths?

i often play a game in my head, "if this and this had not happened. or if i had had this or this opportunity than i would be in this place."

and so this week i have been working on accepting where i have been and who i am in order to truly be in THIS place.

to accept myself.

and realize my wholeness.

and to no longer apologize for who i am.

"Bless anything that shows you wisdom. Anything that shows you wisdom has become a part of who you are and has drawn you closer to life. . . All have offered us the opportunity to know ourselves and to know life. The chance to befriend life. This is true of our wins and losses, our illnesses, our celebrations, our joys and sorrows. All offer us wisdom. Bless them all." Rachel Naomi Remen

last weekend i blessed those experiences.

the ones that gave me a chance to draw closer to life.

to know myself.

to know christ.

taking them in fully

and perhaps in that it will enable me now

to give them away.

to make them a part of my giving.

they cannot be of use if i deny them.

and i cannot be of use, as myself, if i deny my wholeness.

"All she needed in order to serve was the courage of her vulnerability." --Rachel Naomi Remen

thank you emily for being vulerable and showing your courage and for giving me My Grandfather's Blessings. it is an integral part of my nightstand.