sweet disorder

gifts week

image via words

monday: received--tim cleaned out the fridge and part of the pantry for me in the morning.  it was such a blessing.  the one thing on my "list" for the week was cleaning out the pantry.  it was such a great "shot in the arm" to begin the the morning and the week.  and its so beautiful.  and now i really need to go shopping!  given:  allowed myself to be "seen" even when i literally hadn't brushed my hair or gotten dressed.  so, i don't know if this was really a gift to a friend--but its had me thinking about it all week.  do i allow myself to be open when i'm not at my best?  when the house, myself or the kids aren't "presentable"?  its made me think am i ready to give a gift at any time?

given--a clean house for tim.   

tuesday:  received--delicious dinner.  given--some herbal formulas.

wednesday:  received--an awesome whole-hearted message from a young women.  given-- support to a young woman. 

thursday:  received--1) at an after school program a mom came up to me on the playground where my kids were playing and asked, "are you davis' mom?"  i answered yes a little hesitantly.  she said she was "so and sos" mom.  my eyes got wide.  this is the boy that is davis' "nemesis" and has been the whole year.  as in parent teacher conference discussion type relationship.  AND THEN she was so adorable and real and wonderful and vulnerable.  and we laughed about these boys who couldn't get along.  and how "davis" was a household word at their house like "so and so" was at ours.  and we watched them playing together on the playground and kind of shrugged our shoulders at it all.  and then the boys, with no playground supervisor to stop them, had it out in several wrestling matches.  and then this mom and i exchanged numbers and thought maybe what they really need is a playdate.  and well, if it doesn't work out with the boys i hope it works out with us.  AND i can't stop thinking about that experience.  she was brave and funny in that situation.  and i'm so thankful for it.  2) some really cute things for bronwyn's room, skyler's room and my office.  a neighbor overheard me saying something about bronwyn wanting to do her room in zebra stripes and pink.  she didn't heard the zebra stripes (thank heavens)--but heard the pink.  she had some cute pink and green things.  the pink stuff went to bronwyn's room, the green to skyler's.  and a JUST RIGHT chair for skyler's room.  i've been dying for a reading chair in his room.  his bed is super uncomfortable to read stories in and well, so i've been neglecting that.  and last night it went to very good use. 

given:  1) $5 donation to a "scholarship fund" for a conference i'm attending.  2) there was a moment.  when davis was sad (crying in bed for an hour type sad) because bronwyn and skyler had acquired some cool hand me downs from a neighbor for their rooms.  and in that moment, snuggling with him on his bed, i was really WITH him.  i didn't try to fix it (running around trying to find a piece of cool furniture for his room or telling him why he shouldn't be upset).  i was just WITH him in his pain.  and let him be.  and sometimes that is a hard place to be as a parent.  as we want to fix, or teach, or smooth over. i bit my tongue and just stroked his hair and let him know i was there.

BUT i am putting it out there. . .as i looked around his room.  i think he is ready for a desk.  so, i'm keeping my eyes open. 

unconditional

images via ablogaboutlove

  

click on the link above to read a really great post about vulnerability (check out the previous steps on it as well).  here are some highlights:

"The problem is, often times people will love with expectations.  You offer love, hoping that you will be loved in return.  You offer kindness, hoping that you will be noticed and appreciated.  You offer yourself, hoping that others will accept you and value you & see worth in you.  But loving with expectations will most likely lead to a lot of pain, because the person/people you have put in charge of your happiness likely won't always meet your expectations...they may not return the love you were seeking.  So at times, this kind of "love" may put the fear in you.  It may feel risky.  It may make you want to feel on guard & feel less willing to love fully.  And so...vulnerability takes a backseat.  And so does life.  And living.  And fullness.

This kind of fearful love, riddled with expectations is not the kind I have made my life long goal to develop.  It's not the kind of love that Danny & I have.  In fact, it's the kind of love we try to avoid at all costs, because I think there is something better....

What if........you offered love & kindness
JUST FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING.  
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO 
SEEK AFTER THE VIRTUE OF LOVE.

Loving in this way does not come with expectations.  It does not put pressure on others to be in charge of your happiness.  This is the kind of love we learned to develop (before we met!  in our previous marriages!)  It carried us through our divorces, our single days in New York & Boston, and it is the reason why we have such a loving marriage now.

You see, if YOU have worth that is inherent and intrinsic to who you are (see Step 1), you know that so does everyone else.  Even if they make mistakes, they still have worth.  Seeing them in that light frees you to to love them as a human being, regardless of whether or not they are capable of returning love to you, regardless of whether or not your love is received.  You are free to seek to build someone else's worth regardless if they receive it or are grateful for it.  Again, if you already own your own worth, you aren't looking for anything from them.  You are simply hoping for someone else to know their own worth, too.  Period.  This is the essence of love.  It is knowing that someone is worth your patience.  Your kindness.  Your forgiveness.  Your compassion.  Not because they are doing anything to deserve it.  But because they inherently have worth, just like you do.  And so your goal is to bring it out in them.  And if you don't succeed, then you will be ok.  You don't "need" to succeed, but you offer what you can out of love, and then you let each person carry out their own life and their own path.

Seeking after the virtue of LOVE helps you to become your truest, most worthwhile self.  It's the heart of who we all are.  And tapping into the power that we already have within us to live this way is the most tremendous thing a human being could ever do.   
  
If we let love power what we are doing....we can do the hardest things we've ever had to do in this life. "--Mara Kofoed

 

this week has been hard for my gift project.  because every gift i gave, i felt had some sort of strings attached OR it felt so vulnerable that i didn't really want to share it.  so, i've been struggling a bit with this.  i'm thinking.  and learning.  and that post was so powerful to me--and really hit on the chink.  and as with all awakenings--sometimes it pinches a little. 

 aaah.  that's why.  ow.  now i need to change.  and oh, i've been a few degrees off and you look back at all that backspace seeing the 'wrongness' or your ways.  it's okay.  you didn't know better.  you're smart and your desires are right.  you'll figure this charity thing out. . .this is another tool to add to your belt.  but now that you start to feel the weight of this tool in your hand your realize your hand aches a little for its long before absence.  but you imagine the things you can build now that its there.  perhaps the products will be clumsy at first.  but you'll try--because you're not a perfectionist any longer.

2012: the year of gifts

image thanks to rachel coleman

 

a friend brought by a cd with 9 "fresh courage take" tracks last week.  most of them are different versions of "come, come ye saints." 

the first track, "God Moves in a Mysterious Way" by Jeremy Riddle moves me.  i have listened to it over and over and over.  i love this part:

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;

the clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

i've been thinking for over two weeks to make the "gift project" a daily project.  but, i've been a bit fearful.  it's a lot to commit to.  and so i keep stuffing that inspiration down.  i've wondered how i would possibly blog that much.  i've wondered how i would get anything done in my life if i was always looking for a gift to give. 

but, you know what?  i've been less happy.  i've felt less connection with heaven.  i feel my heart is more closed to my family.  i feel a bit crabby.  and selfish.  and miserly. 

so, here i am.  today.  a couple of weeks late.  but here.  committing.  thinking of the phrase, "fresh courage take."  and thinking the clouds i so much dread--will break with blessings on my head.

and i've been given so many gifts this last month--it surely seems a shame i haven't recorded them.

 

glimpses

"Once in a while, right in the middle of ordinary life, LOVE gives us a fairy tale."

 

i had a few "glimpses" these last few days.  in the middle of my ordinary life.  the first was a glimpse into the beauty of my family and my ordinary life.  the second was a glimpse of growth.  and the third was a glimpse of generations. 

 

1) an email to a friend who delivered a few birthday gifts to my house this weekend:

it may seem silly but as i was giving you a "tour" of my little life i saw how beautiful it was.  unscripted and real.  and it was all the things i had ever wanted.  and i realized i had them all.  all those beautiful gifts right now.  tim and bronwyn playing a board game.  davis digging a leprechaun trap in the front.  skyler swinging in the back.  little seeds.  sprouts and natural yeast and aloe vera in the windowsill.  belle bookshelves.  and evidence of love and caring everywhere.  checks from my parents for the kids cookie dough fundraisers.  a little recipe box from aunt dora full of cash from unexpected sources.  roxy running around. 
 
the refrain "all is well" playing right now.  and that's what i feel like.  all is well.  happily ever after.  i wouldn't change a thing right now.  truly.  i have been showered again and again and again with blessings.  and i was given that small moment to see it around me.  
 
and your gifts of "fresh courage" and "magic" made me think that the themes i choose, the goals i make, and the little choices i make every day to encourage magic and courage really do work.
 

2) caleb warnock, author of The Forgotten Skills of Self-Sufficiency Used by the Mormon Pioneers, was offering a garden tour this weekend.  i wasn't planning to go.  i was a bit sick and i had already been before.  but a friend from my nutrition group was driving down from slc and didn't have the address.  i didn't either.  but i knew where it was.  so we met up and i led her there.  and while i was there i walked back to take a peek (and met up with several other friends from my nutrition group).  and it was a glimpse.  remembering sitting under those same apple trees (that were bare and had just been pruned) and listening to melissa teach about natural yeast.  taking my hopeful little baggie of "peeta" home.  naming it sarah.  baking.  feeding.  discovering it made the best crepes in the world.  and then saying goodbye to sarah last week--when she was no longer raising (due to a little holdiay neglect).  i had used my dried reserve to start another.  and "manna" was born this week--housed in an adam's peanut butter jar that melissa recommended.  it only took me six months to empty it.  and in that garden moment i saw progress.  a new skill developed over six months.  and it felt good.  and i didn't feel like a failure that sarah was no longer with us.  i felt like i had adapted and learned how to keep it going--regardless.  although the kids genuinely mourned sarah's absence from our fridge.

3) i had a sink full of apples that my dad had picked in october (wrinkly--but edible).  i decided to use the dehydrator my parents had got me for christmas--which had taken me that long to figure out how to use (i wish i would have just realize you plug it in and turn it on).  i made nine trays of apple leather.  just apples.  blended.  three trays were eaten in a day.  as i saw my sink full of apples, i looked out my window and saw the two fruit tress my dad had just purchased and helped us plant (and protect from deer).  and i thought of my grandpa who had given my dad his apple tree.  as i watched my kids muching on the fruit leather--it was one of those glimpses.  connections.  influence.  hope--that one day or little tree would give us our own fruit.  and i was grateful for my exact family.  when i was at the garden tour i was surprised at the excitement over a couple of cows, some chickens and a small garden.  not that it wasn't awesome--but i grew up with that in my backyard on a much bigger scale.  and i was so grateful that i had.  that i had dreams of a farm girl.  and those dreams are coming true.  garden.  fruit trees. homemade bread.  and the kids and i are dreaming about chickens and raspberry bushes now. . .and a milking goat for someday. 

 

these were all glimpses that "i already am what i am becoming."  the ultrasound, or glimpse, of the gestation of my goals and my abundance.

"If I could have one wish for everyone this New Year it would be that we could all remember that everything is gestation and then birthing. And so whatever your goals, even if you can’t tell the birth story of that goal yet, remember that you already are what you are becoming, and that each step of the journey to becoming has value. And by appreciating each day and each step, you honor the pregnancy as well as the birth. And if you ever feel stretched or heavy along the way, perhaps you’ll stop on a hillside to breathe and recognize that you are carrying holy cargo, and perhaps it is not heaviness, but abundance that surrounds you.

And if I could have a second wish this New Year, it would be that we can all recognize in each other, the good fruit we are each gestating. Just like John the baptist recognized the Savior in his mother’s cousin’s womb, and lept for joy. May we all have joy for each other and for what we are and what we are becoming."--Felice

speaking your truth

"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."

— Barbara De Angelis

this has been on my mind for a long while.  and this quote summed it up perfectly for me.  i am fine "living my truth" if it doesn't rock the boat.  but i hate to rock the boat.  i hate to be seen as anything other than sweet.  in short, i am a people pleaser.  but there are a few things that i have been thinking about.  a few areas where i am not speaking up (in a kind way) for myself and my children.  and i'm not sure if that is a skill i have learned or feel comfortable with.  and its really small things--but a good mentor pointed out to me that every time my kids watch me say "it's okay" to something that i have taught them about over and over again that is not that it is not only hurting me but it is hurting them (to see me not stand up for my values).  and, i realized for the first time, they will not have a model of how to navigate those uncomfortable situations themselves.  gee, if i can't--how would i expect them to do it?   i think that is part of being a "lioness at the gate."  i think that is a part of courage.  courage is moving forward--trying new situations, stretching yourself.  and courage is also standing still--standing firm over your own personal truth.  the things you have studied and fought for and believe in. 

and i loved the following quote as well. 

"Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking." 


— ― Jarod Kintz

i've been really focused on being thoughtful about our current family schedule.  i've been prayerful.  and focused on what energy we need in what box right now.  and it might feel a little scary to shake things up.  but i also feel that if i don't--i'm not being true to my personal truth right now.  and that's the beauty of personal revelation--it's fluid to match our changing needs and circumstances.

 

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your heart. She who looks outside, dreams; she who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung

sweet as honeycomb

 

image from thelittlechickadee

"I dreamt. . .that I had a beehive inside my heart.  And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures."  Antonio Machado

shaping a whole-hearted heart

In Nazareth, the narrow road,

That tires the feet and steals the breath,

Passes the place where once abode

The Carpenter of Nazareth.

And up and down the dusty way

The village folk would often wend;

And on the bench, beside Him, lay

Their broken things for Him to mend.

The maiden with the doll she broke,

The woman with the broken chair,

The man with broken plough, or yoke,

Said, “Can you mend it, Carpenter?”

And each received the thing he sought,

In yoke, or plough, or chair, or doll;

The broken thing which each had brought

Returned again a perfect whole.

So, up the hill the long years through,

With heavy step and wistful eye,

The burdened souls their way pursue,

Uttering each the plaintive cry:

“O Carpenter of Nazareth,

This heart, that’s broken past repair,

This life, that’s shattered nigh to death,

Oh, can You mend them, Carpenter?”

And by His kind and ready hand,

His own sweet life is woven through

Our broken lives, until they stand

A New Creation—“all things new.”

“The shattered [substance] of [the] heart,

Desire, ambition, hope, and faith,

Mould Thou into the perfect part,

O, Carpenter of Nazareth!” "Broken Things to Mend" by Elder Holland

my great-aunt gave me the pictured metal cookie cutter.

my grandpa made it for her in his high school metal shop class.

and it was the perfect symbol for me for a change of heart.

it's a bit rough.  but obvious that my grandpa worked on it.  shaped it.  heated it.  bent it. 

i don't know if i truly believed before that you could change the condition of your heart.

shape it.  bend it. 

i celebrated the end of my 29 day gift project with a fancy mexican lunch.

and i loved it, but i kind of slid back in my chair over chips and salsa, thinking, "phew."

and, "i won't have to worry about writing down that long list of gifts i received at the end of every day."  that was a little time-consuming.  :). 

and i didn't realize it, sometimes i'm a bit slow, but fear started to come creeping back. 

"oh, ho-ho!" it exclaimed. "we'll see about you.  you think you're in tune, and no longer afraid?"  "HA!"  "what about that new calling?  how will you ever manage that?  that with volunteering in the class, and cooking dinner, and visiting teaching, and speech exercises, and cleaning counters, and does your family ever have a spiritual family scripture moment?"  "ha, i thought not." 

and i cowered.  and started to believe those fears as they beckoning in low, scary voices.  scarier than zombies.

and it took a couple of weeks before i realized. 

i stopped.

my heart and grown.  i had shaped it. 

and then, i kind of declared, great job!  let's take a break.

a

nd i missed those moment of praying, early, what gift i could give.

i missed looking around for any opportunity to tip an extra buck or snuggle with a sad kid, without looking at the clock. 

you see, i had again, become to busy looking at myself. 

and that's when it becomes scary.  because if i look at my own capabilities, well--a little limited.

but if i look at my own capabilities, guided by inspiration--well, watch out. 

"I’ve concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isn’t dollars but the individual people whose lives I’ve touched.  Don’t worry about the level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end, your life will be judged a success."--Clayton M. Christensen, Harvard Address

another good reminder for me to "fresh courage take" on my whole-hearted journey

and to view my vulnerability as a strength. 

and to remind myself of the tools to become "my best self" (i was shocked and then not, when i read this post awhile back.  some of the exact same meditations, books, practices that i had found over the past year and a half were listed here.  awesome.  i had been wanting to compile my list--and here was a beautiful one that i could say, "yes! yes!").

committment

"When people make only moderate changes in diet and lifestyle, they have the worst of both worlds.  They have the sense of deprivation because they're not able to eat and do everything they want, but they're not making changes big enough to make them feel much better or to have much effect on their weight, their cholesterol, or their health.   On the other hand, when people make comprehensive changes in their diet and lifestyle, they begin to feel so much better quickly that the choices become clear and, for most people, worth making."  Dr. Dean Ornish, M.D.

i've found this personally to be true.  i've always wondered why it's easier for me to make big boot camp, project-like changes rather than little steps.  i think that by putting your whole heart and soul into a change--you see the big differences--and that is so invigorating that it keeps you going.  it reminds me gretchen rubin's thought from The Happiness Project--"Are you a moderator or an abstainer."  it is MUCH, MUCH easier for me to be an abstainer.  or a doer-all-the-wayer.  i don't live well in moderate soil. 

image via words

the following story is told by Clayton M. Christensen:

This theory addresses the third question I discuss with my students—how to live a life of integrity (stay out of jail). Unconsciously, we often employ the marginal cost doctrine in our personal lives when we choose between right and wrong. A voice in our head says, “Look, I know that as a general rule, most people shouldn’t do this. But in this particular extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK.” The marginal cost of doing something wrong “just this once” always seems alluringly low. It suckers you in, and you don’t ever look at where that path ultimately is headed and at the full costs that the choice entails. Justification for infidelity and dishonesty in all their manifestations lies in the marginal cost economics of “just this once.”

I’d like to share a story about how I came to understand the potential damage of “just this once” in my own life. I played on the Oxford University varsity basketball team. We worked our tails off and finished the season undefeated. The guys on the team were the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. We got to the British equivalent of the NCAA tournament—and made it to the final four. It turned out the championship game was scheduled to be played on a Sunday. I had made a personal commitment to God at age 16 that I would never play ball on Sunday. So I went to the coach and explained my problem. He was incredulous. My teammates were, too, because I was the starting center. Every one of the guys on the team came to me and said, “You’ve got to play. Can’t you break the rule just this one time?”

I’m a deeply religious man, so I went away and prayed about what I should do. I got a very clear feeling that I shouldn’t break my commitment—so I didn’t play in the championship game.

In many ways that was a small decision—involving one of several thousand Sundays in my life. In theory, surely I could have crossed over the line just that one time and then not done it again. But looking back on it, resisting the temptation whose logic was “In this extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK” has proven to be one of the most important decisions of my life. Why? My life has been one unending stream of extenuating circumstances. Had I crossed the line that one time, I would have done it over and over in the years that followed.

The lesson I learned from this is that it’s easier to hold to your principles 100% of the time than it is to hold to them 98% of the time. If you give in to “just this once,” based on a marginal cost analysis, as some of my former classmates have done, you’ll regret where you end up. You’ve got to define for yourself what you stand for and draw the line in a safe place.

making girls visible

i think i'll start staging photos for all my favorite books from now on:).

this morning i cried when i read this post (and the comments) by shannon hale on "the invisible animated girl."  have you ever noticed the representation of guys vs. girls in animated movies?  when shannon posted about it a few years ago--that was the first time i had even thought about it.   

so, i get teary easily when things affect me.  so maybe that's not saying much to say i cried reading about how women are represented or not.  and maybe i was emotional about it because it rang true.  and i was frustrated.  and maybe more frustrated that there were so many things i wasn't even really aware of.

in seventh grade i  fell in love with the blue sword.  perhaps it was the first book i had read that had a girl hefting a sword.  pretty much the same reason i wanted to go hunting.  just to prove i could.  lately i've noticed that i get a little tired of the girl hefting a sword plot.  shunning femminity, just because.  although there are several books i still love and will always love with this idea.  are there enough characters of strong women who are strong without creating war?  is gentleness ever seen as strength in books?  is it exciting enough?  i want all my children to learn about true strength.  and this post has made me wonder if i'm teaching it.   

i don't know, but i know its important enough.  i watched the kids play with their playmobil sets the last few days.  they each have a kingdom set up in different parts of the basement.  bronwyn asked, "who is going to protect me--i don't have any knights?"  and a little part of me died inside.  this was one reason shannon hale wrote rapunzel's revenge--she was frustrated with the idea of a girl trapped in a tower--waiting to be rescued.  now i ask--how could bronwyn have protected her castle without turning into a sword-hefting princess?  can we fight back without fighting?  i've not seen the power in my own life of fighting and anger but i have seen the power behind forgiveness and love.  cheesy, yes?  true, yes.  perhaps that is the genius behind bitterblue--a queen who comes into her own without the use of superpowers or swords--a queen who uses truth and accountability.   and cassia from matched  who "learns to choose" and then continues the hard path that her choice has led her to.  and the character growth of elisa the girl of fire and thorns who learns to grow up and do hard things while holding on to what she values.  and that's what struck a chord with me in everneath--a girl who not only doesn't posess superpowers--at the opening she is a broken, weak girl who doesn't seem to posess anything more than a desire to do the right thing-- and learning that is more powerful than you'd think.  but do our girls know that? 

so ladies--as mothers of daughters and mothers of sons and leaders of young women--please read shannon's post and let's discuss.  what do you think?

on boxes and balance

 

last week i got called into the young women's. 

i was shocked.

and it was bittersweet. 

you see, i had just been called to be the nursery coordinator.  and i kind of loved it to death and had expected to be there for a long, long while.  and i couldn't believe i was leaving those sweet toddlers.

and since this is my fourth time serving in the yw i know a few things to expect.

like a small amount of time:). 

and i've been a mix of peaceful and panicked. 

and a planned weekly meeting at my house this week had me dusting bookshelves, and rearranging art, and organizing toy closets (cause you know someone might peer at our boardgames).  and then i organized by master bedroom closet and my jewelry (all those fresh courage necklaces were a tangle on my shelf).  and i bagged up three garbage bags of tim's clothes.  and a couple boxes of stuff.  because you know that is super necessary when playing a getting-to-know-you game in the basement.  calm down crazy lady. 

and i felt panicked as i feathered dusted by book tops.  should i keep the twilight collection on my bookshelves or not?  and what about shiver?  will seeing it on my shelves lead the girls down the pathways of sin?  and does my basement have enough character for them to think. . . "sister andreoli is totally awesome.  did you see her dustfree collection of little house books?  i can't wait until she teaches on sunday." 

and this new shift/shuffle in my life has me thinking through my priorities again.  and tomorrow skyler starts talking time.  and some other things are going to have to give for now.  good things.  things i love. 

and i read a little thought about balance (imagine several boxes all the same size).

" These boxes, are symbolic of the activities of one’s life, the various undertakings into which we must invest our time, talent, and energy. Our tendency is to try keeping them just this way—equally filled with identical amounts of ourselves and our effort. This, we think, is what balance looks like.But in reality, this is the picture of a woman overworked, frustrated, and exhausted. A life out of balance. The way we achieve balance, my dear, is to prayerfully consider God’s priorities for us in this current season of life, and then rearrange the boxes accordingly—pushing some of them into the background, bringing others to the front. Into these primary boxes we place the best of ourselves and our effort, while perhaps totally emptying some of the others—at least temporarily—not because they’re of any less overall significance but because they’re not where we need to be allocating the best of our abilities and attention for the time being.Balance is not when the boxes are equally filled but when we are free to fill only those that are important for now, without feeling guilt over the ones that we’ve left for another time and place. This is balance, little sister. Remember it.”--Priscilla Shirer, The Resolution for Women

you see i couldn't stop thinking about all the things i am not.  and all the things i am not doing in my life.  and if i'm not doing those things then how on earth am i going to add anything else?  and a friend mentioned to me "you have been called for the gifts you do have.  not for the gifts you don't have."  (and then she assured me that my basement was just the perfect place to host the young women). 

so, i'm going to focus on rearranging my boxes.  and putting the very best of me, and the gifts i do posess into those boxes.  and fill them up.  to the brim.  with sparkly things.  and line up the others, behind.  empty.  for now. 

“. . .she has intentionally taken those gifts onto battlefields where she knows she can’t win on her own, and where she believes that God is pleased to stand with her. And she gets to experience God. Not without struggle and scrapes and doubts. But at the end of the day her cheeks are flushed, her eyes are clear, and she has stories. She has unforgettable days with her Father on great mountains.”  Just Courage, Gary Haugen

33.  on the mountain.