sweet disorder

shaping a whole-hearted heart

In Nazareth, the narrow road,

That tires the feet and steals the breath,

Passes the place where once abode

The Carpenter of Nazareth.

And up and down the dusty way

The village folk would often wend;

And on the bench, beside Him, lay

Their broken things for Him to mend.

The maiden with the doll she broke,

The woman with the broken chair,

The man with broken plough, or yoke,

Said, “Can you mend it, Carpenter?”

And each received the thing he sought,

In yoke, or plough, or chair, or doll;

The broken thing which each had brought

Returned again a perfect whole.

So, up the hill the long years through,

With heavy step and wistful eye,

The burdened souls their way pursue,

Uttering each the plaintive cry:

“O Carpenter of Nazareth,

This heart, that’s broken past repair,

This life, that’s shattered nigh to death,

Oh, can You mend them, Carpenter?”

And by His kind and ready hand,

His own sweet life is woven through

Our broken lives, until they stand

A New Creation—“all things new.”

“The shattered [substance] of [the] heart,

Desire, ambition, hope, and faith,

Mould Thou into the perfect part,

O, Carpenter of Nazareth!” "Broken Things to Mend" by Elder Holland

my great-aunt gave me the pictured metal cookie cutter.

my grandpa made it for her in his high school metal shop class.

and it was the perfect symbol for me for a change of heart.

it's a bit rough.  but obvious that my grandpa worked on it.  shaped it.  heated it.  bent it. 

i don't know if i truly believed before that you could change the condition of your heart.

shape it.  bend it. 

i celebrated the end of my 29 day gift project with a fancy mexican lunch.

and i loved it, but i kind of slid back in my chair over chips and salsa, thinking, "phew."

and, "i won't have to worry about writing down that long list of gifts i received at the end of every day."  that was a little time-consuming.  :). 

and i didn't realize it, sometimes i'm a bit slow, but fear started to come creeping back. 

"oh, ho-ho!" it exclaimed. "we'll see about you.  you think you're in tune, and no longer afraid?"  "HA!"  "what about that new calling?  how will you ever manage that?  that with volunteering in the class, and cooking dinner, and visiting teaching, and speech exercises, and cleaning counters, and does your family ever have a spiritual family scripture moment?"  "ha, i thought not." 

and i cowered.  and started to believe those fears as they beckoning in low, scary voices.  scarier than zombies.

and it took a couple of weeks before i realized. 

i stopped.

my heart and grown.  i had shaped it. 

and then, i kind of declared, great job!  let's take a break.

a

nd i missed those moment of praying, early, what gift i could give.

i missed looking around for any opportunity to tip an extra buck or snuggle with a sad kid, without looking at the clock. 

you see, i had again, become to busy looking at myself. 

and that's when it becomes scary.  because if i look at my own capabilities, well--a little limited.

but if i look at my own capabilities, guided by inspiration--well, watch out. 

"I’ve concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isn’t dollars but the individual people whose lives I’ve touched.  Don’t worry about the level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end, your life will be judged a success."--Clayton M. Christensen, Harvard Address

another good reminder for me to "fresh courage take" on my whole-hearted journey

and to view my vulnerability as a strength. 

and to remind myself of the tools to become "my best self" (i was shocked and then not, when i read this post awhile back.  some of the exact same meditations, books, practices that i had found over the past year and a half were listed here.  awesome.  i had been wanting to compile my list--and here was a beautiful one that i could say, "yes! yes!").

committment

"When people make only moderate changes in diet and lifestyle, they have the worst of both worlds.  They have the sense of deprivation because they're not able to eat and do everything they want, but they're not making changes big enough to make them feel much better or to have much effect on their weight, their cholesterol, or their health.   On the other hand, when people make comprehensive changes in their diet and lifestyle, they begin to feel so much better quickly that the choices become clear and, for most people, worth making."  Dr. Dean Ornish, M.D.

i've found this personally to be true.  i've always wondered why it's easier for me to make big boot camp, project-like changes rather than little steps.  i think that by putting your whole heart and soul into a change--you see the big differences--and that is so invigorating that it keeps you going.  it reminds me gretchen rubin's thought from The Happiness Project--"Are you a moderator or an abstainer."  it is MUCH, MUCH easier for me to be an abstainer.  or a doer-all-the-wayer.  i don't live well in moderate soil. 

image via words

the following story is told by Clayton M. Christensen:

This theory addresses the third question I discuss with my students—how to live a life of integrity (stay out of jail). Unconsciously, we often employ the marginal cost doctrine in our personal lives when we choose between right and wrong. A voice in our head says, “Look, I know that as a general rule, most people shouldn’t do this. But in this particular extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK.” The marginal cost of doing something wrong “just this once” always seems alluringly low. It suckers you in, and you don’t ever look at where that path ultimately is headed and at the full costs that the choice entails. Justification for infidelity and dishonesty in all their manifestations lies in the marginal cost economics of “just this once.”

I’d like to share a story about how I came to understand the potential damage of “just this once” in my own life. I played on the Oxford University varsity basketball team. We worked our tails off and finished the season undefeated. The guys on the team were the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. We got to the British equivalent of the NCAA tournament—and made it to the final four. It turned out the championship game was scheduled to be played on a Sunday. I had made a personal commitment to God at age 16 that I would never play ball on Sunday. So I went to the coach and explained my problem. He was incredulous. My teammates were, too, because I was the starting center. Every one of the guys on the team came to me and said, “You’ve got to play. Can’t you break the rule just this one time?”

I’m a deeply religious man, so I went away and prayed about what I should do. I got a very clear feeling that I shouldn’t break my commitment—so I didn’t play in the championship game.

In many ways that was a small decision—involving one of several thousand Sundays in my life. In theory, surely I could have crossed over the line just that one time and then not done it again. But looking back on it, resisting the temptation whose logic was “In this extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK” has proven to be one of the most important decisions of my life. Why? My life has been one unending stream of extenuating circumstances. Had I crossed the line that one time, I would have done it over and over in the years that followed.

The lesson I learned from this is that it’s easier to hold to your principles 100% of the time than it is to hold to them 98% of the time. If you give in to “just this once,” based on a marginal cost analysis, as some of my former classmates have done, you’ll regret where you end up. You’ve got to define for yourself what you stand for and draw the line in a safe place.

making girls visible

i think i'll start staging photos for all my favorite books from now on:).

this morning i cried when i read this post (and the comments) by shannon hale on "the invisible animated girl."  have you ever noticed the representation of guys vs. girls in animated movies?  when shannon posted about it a few years ago--that was the first time i had even thought about it.   

so, i get teary easily when things affect me.  so maybe that's not saying much to say i cried reading about how women are represented or not.  and maybe i was emotional about it because it rang true.  and i was frustrated.  and maybe more frustrated that there were so many things i wasn't even really aware of.

in seventh grade i  fell in love with the blue sword.  perhaps it was the first book i had read that had a girl hefting a sword.  pretty much the same reason i wanted to go hunting.  just to prove i could.  lately i've noticed that i get a little tired of the girl hefting a sword plot.  shunning femminity, just because.  although there are several books i still love and will always love with this idea.  are there enough characters of strong women who are strong without creating war?  is gentleness ever seen as strength in books?  is it exciting enough?  i want all my children to learn about true strength.  and this post has made me wonder if i'm teaching it.   

i don't know, but i know its important enough.  i watched the kids play with their playmobil sets the last few days.  they each have a kingdom set up in different parts of the basement.  bronwyn asked, "who is going to protect me--i don't have any knights?"  and a little part of me died inside.  this was one reason shannon hale wrote rapunzel's revenge--she was frustrated with the idea of a girl trapped in a tower--waiting to be rescued.  now i ask--how could bronwyn have protected her castle without turning into a sword-hefting princess?  can we fight back without fighting?  i've not seen the power in my own life of fighting and anger but i have seen the power behind forgiveness and love.  cheesy, yes?  true, yes.  perhaps that is the genius behind bitterblue--a queen who comes into her own without the use of superpowers or swords--a queen who uses truth and accountability.   and cassia from matched  who "learns to choose" and then continues the hard path that her choice has led her to.  and the character growth of elisa the girl of fire and thorns who learns to grow up and do hard things while holding on to what she values.  and that's what struck a chord with me in everneath--a girl who not only doesn't posess superpowers--at the opening she is a broken, weak girl who doesn't seem to posess anything more than a desire to do the right thing-- and learning that is more powerful than you'd think.  but do our girls know that? 

so ladies--as mothers of daughters and mothers of sons and leaders of young women--please read shannon's post and let's discuss.  what do you think?

on boxes and balance

 

last week i got called into the young women's. 

i was shocked.

and it was bittersweet. 

you see, i had just been called to be the nursery coordinator.  and i kind of loved it to death and had expected to be there for a long, long while.  and i couldn't believe i was leaving those sweet toddlers.

and since this is my fourth time serving in the yw i know a few things to expect.

like a small amount of time:). 

and i've been a mix of peaceful and panicked. 

and a planned weekly meeting at my house this week had me dusting bookshelves, and rearranging art, and organizing toy closets (cause you know someone might peer at our boardgames).  and then i organized by master bedroom closet and my jewelry (all those fresh courage necklaces were a tangle on my shelf).  and i bagged up three garbage bags of tim's clothes.  and a couple boxes of stuff.  because you know that is super necessary when playing a getting-to-know-you game in the basement.  calm down crazy lady. 

and i felt panicked as i feathered dusted by book tops.  should i keep the twilight collection on my bookshelves or not?  and what about shiver?  will seeing it on my shelves lead the girls down the pathways of sin?  and does my basement have enough character for them to think. . . "sister andreoli is totally awesome.  did you see her dustfree collection of little house books?  i can't wait until she teaches on sunday." 

and this new shift/shuffle in my life has me thinking through my priorities again.  and tomorrow skyler starts talking time.  and some other things are going to have to give for now.  good things.  things i love. 

and i read a little thought about balance (imagine several boxes all the same size).

" These boxes, are symbolic of the activities of one’s life, the various undertakings into which we must invest our time, talent, and energy. Our tendency is to try keeping them just this way—equally filled with identical amounts of ourselves and our effort. This, we think, is what balance looks like.But in reality, this is the picture of a woman overworked, frustrated, and exhausted. A life out of balance. The way we achieve balance, my dear, is to prayerfully consider God’s priorities for us in this current season of life, and then rearrange the boxes accordingly—pushing some of them into the background, bringing others to the front. Into these primary boxes we place the best of ourselves and our effort, while perhaps totally emptying some of the others—at least temporarily—not because they’re of any less overall significance but because they’re not where we need to be allocating the best of our abilities and attention for the time being.Balance is not when the boxes are equally filled but when we are free to fill only those that are important for now, without feeling guilt over the ones that we’ve left for another time and place. This is balance, little sister. Remember it.”--Priscilla Shirer, The Resolution for Women

you see i couldn't stop thinking about all the things i am not.  and all the things i am not doing in my life.  and if i'm not doing those things then how on earth am i going to add anything else?  and a friend mentioned to me "you have been called for the gifts you do have.  not for the gifts you don't have."  (and then she assured me that my basement was just the perfect place to host the young women). 

so, i'm going to focus on rearranging my boxes.  and putting the very best of me, and the gifts i do posess into those boxes.  and fill them up.  to the brim.  with sparkly things.  and line up the others, behind.  empty.  for now. 

“. . .she has intentionally taken those gifts onto battlefields where she knows she can’t win on her own, and where she believes that God is pleased to stand with her. And she gets to experience God. Not without struggle and scrapes and doubts. But at the end of the day her cheeks are flushed, her eyes are clear, and she has stories. She has unforgettable days with her Father on great mountains.”  Just Courage, Gary Haugen

33.  on the mountain. 

the vow

birthday date--move night "the vow."  i hope you enjoy this picture.  it only took about 20 tries and 2 locations. 

 

"'It is not your love that sustains the marriage but ... the marriage that sustains your love.'  Romance and falling in love is a beautiful thing, and re-falling in love, again and again, is important.  [But] re-falling in love after seasons of pain can be sustained only if you elevate covenant above those affections and romance."--John Piper

 

"With strong faith we can triumph over life's adversities, and without it we become fearful, confused, discouraged, depressed, distracted and lost.  Faith is how the Lord heals and strengthens us."  --Sister Julie B. Beck

29 gifts 29 days: day 29

"Every person's life is a fairytale written by God's Fingers." 

--Hans Christian Andersen

 

"His love for you is so great that He has granted you this earthly life as a precious gift of 'once upon a time,' complete with your own true story of adventure, trial, and opportunities for greatness, nobility, courage, and love. And, most glorious of all, He offers you a gift beyond price and comprehension. Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all—eternal life—and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own 'happily ever after.'"--President Uchtdorf

 

i feel a bit weepy to be at the end of this project. 

which we all really know is just the beginning. 

last night i finished Bitterblue, an early birthday gift i received in the mail from a friend.  i was struck by this passage (perhaps it was all that reference to baking bread).

"In the bakery, leaning over the bread dough, pushing and shaping it into an elastic thing, she began to find clarity on one point: Like Death [a character in the book], Bitterblue also had a taste for difficult--impossible--slow--messy work.  She would figure out how to be queen, slowly, messily.  She could reshape what it meant to be queen, slowly, messily.  She could reshape what it meant to be queen, and reshaping what it meant to be queen would reshape the kingdom."  Bitterblue(ARC copy), by Kristin Cashore.

and that is my work.  to figure out how to be me.  to figure out how to be a wife.  a mother.  a daughter.  a friend.  a disciple.  it is slow and messy, and most times difficult and impossible work.  but reshaping myself also reshapes my little family.

"In a very real sense, we are builders of eternal houses. We are apprentices to the trade—not skilled craftsmen. We need divine help if we are to build successfully. . . He appreciates the value of this raw material which we call life."  "The Master's Blueprint" by President Monson 

 what a beautiful chance to open the tissue paper, untie the ribbons, read the personalized card  and see the gift of my own story inside.  and to remember i have a chance to shape the person i want to be and the person i want my children to know me as.  and to see that my life is unique, special and my own fairy tale--full of heartache and healing, growing and grace.

and a little courage and magic.

 

my last gift is to share this gift of giving gifts with you. 

29 gifts 29 days: day 28

images via words

 

i never actually read the book 29 gifts 29 days--the book that inspired this project.  i just got the idea--gift gifts and record gifts given and received.  i did watch an interview with the author, who at a young age had severe ms.  and as she went along with the project her symptoms lessened.  one day she realized she had been walking without her cane.

as i was thinking about my project, i thought of all the gifts i have been given.  some truly miracles.  and some gifts that i receive every day--but hadn't taken the time to notice before.  just like the view in my gratitude project--i began to recogize and appreciate the gifts.

but i certainly hadn't had an amazing transformation of ms to share as part of my story.

and then i began to think about my anxiety--or lack of it this month. 

and that seems to be a miracle.

maybe a mix of my phrase, "fresh courage take" (and the necklaces to remind me), this project, and these daily three things (solace essential oil, rock rose flower essence , my homemade herbal tincture--(you can buy it here)). 

together this month we've been rocking the panic.  you know, in a calm way. 

29 gifts 29 days: day 27

 

tim came home from work and we worked for about two hours hanging up pictures.  first in bronwyn's room.  then i had a small stack of things that had been waiting to hang in davis' room.  finishing up projects that have been on the back burner for a long time.

freeing up some energy for new projects.

hopefully showing the kids that these things of theirs were important to us. 

as i looked at bronwyn's pictures--three were created by friends (savior's love by rachel, butterfly quote by joan--see below, temple by rachel, frame by michael).  and i thought of all the good and lovely things that we share with one another.  and i stand back amazed that they all fit, just right. 

and then i was amazed again when i went in later to take pictures after i had put a few more things together in her room.  a bedskirt made from an unifinshed quilt by a great-great-grandmother, a pink satin quilt made by a grandmother, a crocheted afghan made by a great-grandmother, a window made by a grandfather, dolls made by a mother (me:)), tea sets from a great-grandmother's collection, and books from more places and people than i could ever keep track of (inscribe your gifts books with names and dates!) and that bear--a picture a good friend sent me a link to. 

davis has those same connections in his room.  a grandfather's first bow and antique fishing pole, his mother's antelope:), his great-grandfather's lasso, a great-great-aunts branding iron. . .

 

when we give and when we receive we make connections.

connections bind us.  comfort us.  protect us.  inspire us. 

make us whole. 

i hope to teach my children both principles.  to give and receive. 

 

image by the lovely and beautiful austenland-loving girl joan white.

29 gifts 29 days: day 26

image via words

saturday night bronwyn said her gift the next day would be fasting.

my fast was a gift as well.  i hadn't intended it to be.  but as the day wore on and i was becoming increasingly grumpy and starving i decided that this indeed would be my gift. 

you see i was fasting for charity--so leave me alone, would you.  i'm hungry.  so, fasting isn't my strong suit in gospel principles. 

it was around the beginning of the year when i was in the yellow-colored hallway downstairs.  i remember very clearly stopping.  standing there.  and shooting up a very sincere prayer, "please help me to have charity for my children."  it wasn't a flippant one.  it was an earnest plea.  a true desire.  i'm trying to fix everyone and tell them what to do--but will you teach me how to really see them and truly love them.

not two minutes later i heard my phone beep.  an email--a six week class focusing on how to parent with unconditional love.  i took it as a sign.  it has been a gift.  truly.  as well as the "open your heart" challenge.  as well as these 29 gifts. 

and although i may not have felt charity while i was fasting, after eating a huge salad, sloppy joes and homemade strawberry shortcake at the andreoli's--i felt a bit more charitable.  especially if i could have eaten the entire strawberry shortcake. 

this has certainly opened my eyes as well as my heart--as often my door, or my wallet, or my ears and i truly try to listen to my children.  i'm still bumbling along--but i'm learning and continually catching myself and trying again.