sweet disorder

29 gifts 29 days: day 15

"And for this year, my wish for each of us is small and very simple.

And it's this.

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."--Neil Gaiman

(listen to those generous thoughts)

yesterday i didn't give a gift.

i had plans to.

but i suppressed a few generous thoughts.

early in the mornig a flower i had planted to give away bloomed.  i had a thought to give it to someone i had never met.

and i chickened out.

wondering if i would be really weird to do that.

and i really, really loved the flower and i didn't want to chance that it would fall into unappreciative hands (yes, i already forgot my gift-giving lesson about "no strings attached").

and then i thought to give my chair up to someone.  a friend of a friend that i recognized who was expecting.  and i kept checking over my shoulder.  trying to build up my courage to get up and introduce myself and ask if she wanted to take my seat--since there were no more chairs. 

but i chickened out.

what if i got up and offered her the seat and she thought i was weird?  and what if she didn't want to go sit down and wanted to stay standing by her friend?  and then i would be standing there and then i guess i would have just gone back and sat down.  with people watching me in the middle of a talk.

and then i had a plan to gift something.

and someone else beat me to it. 

and so at 11:31 last night i wondered what i could give.

and maybe i didn't give anything for my project yesterday

but i almost started crying when i walked in the door and saw that tim had cleaned the kitchen.  and i opened the fridge.  and each shelf was clean and organized.  and i know i had spilled some elderberry syrup, ormus green powder...well, a while ago on the shelves.  and i know it was crusty and gross and i am sure there were moldy lemons.  because i despise cleaning the fridge out. 

and i was so happy that tim had not supressed a kind thought. 

 

 "For many who have need of our help, it is not necessary to create new programs or take actions which are complicated or costly. They only need our determination to serve—to do the right thing at the right time, without delay."  Jose L. Alonso

 

"My daughter-in-law’s mother, Susan, was a wonderful seamstress. President Kimball lived in their ward. One Sunday, Susan noticed that he had a new suit. Her father had recently returned from a trip to New York and had brought her some exquisite silk fabric. Susan thought that fabric would make a handsome tie to go with President Kimball’s new suit. So on Monday she made the tie. She wrapped it in tissue paper and walked up the block to President Kimball’s home.

On her way to the front door, she suddenly stopped and thought, 'Who am I to make a tie for the prophet? He probably has plenty of them.' Deciding she had made a mistake, she turned to leave.

Just then Sister Kimball opened the front door and said, 'Oh, Susan!'

Stumbling all over herself, Susan said, 'I saw President Kimball in his new suit on Sunday. Dad just brought me some silk from New York . . . and so I made him a tie.'

Before Susan could continue, Sister Kimball stopped her, took hold of her shoulders, and said: 'Susan, never suppress a generous thought.'

Susan didn’t have an assignment to make that tie. She wasn’t hired to do so. Despite feeling a bit hesitant, she did it because it felt right. Susan had a quiet sense of mission to serve others. I was also the beneficiary of such service. Her service went beyond any calling because it lasted throughout her life. Never suppressing a generous thought became a part of her personal ministry.

Some years ago, at the conclusion of a Utah Board of Higher Education meeting, Elder Neal Maxwell submitted his resignation. He said he needed to do so to make time for his personal ministry. Most of the board members assumed he was referring to his apostleship. However, he explained that his personal ministry was different than his apostleship. His personal ministry was to comfort fellow cancer patients.

We often speak about the Savior’s ministry. But have you ever wondered if you have a personal ministry? I have.

What is personal ministry? Each of us has a personal ministry. I believe we received our personal ministry in the premortal world. It was divinely given and lasts a lifetime.

Asking to be an answer to someone’s prayer has a powerful impact. There are sacred, quiet experiences for those who participate with the Lord in answering prayers. As we go about listening, watching, and feeling for the answer to those prayers—even in the midst of our busy schedules—I testify that our earthly ministry unfolds by revelation and divine empowerment. Our testimonies, faith, and feelings of connectedness to the Lord expand in amazing, unexpected ways."  Bonnie D. Parkin, "Personal Ministry:  Sacred and Personal"  (I wanted to include the entire devotional--it is really amazing).

29 gifts 29 days: day 15

Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. And then there are book which you can’t tell people about, books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal.

— ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

angelfallby susan ee.

i read through the cybil's finalist list and started checking out the books--reserving them at the library and checking them out on amazon.   when i saw angelfall was available only in kindle editon--FOR 99 CENTS--i bought it and started reading.

um. wow. yowsers. i read this book from beginning to end--there was absolutely no stopping place. not one.  i was starving and i had to pee--for hours, but i couldn't stop reading.  finally, at 8:30 i  snuck (my spell check is telling me that is not a word) down to the kitchen to grab something to eat so i wouldn't faint.   and i was terrified. i was alone in my house. it was dark. and raining.  of course it was.  i was barefoot and my worried thought was i might be killed before i could finish angelfall, which would be a true tragedy. 

tim always jokes that in the apocalypse he hopes we would be killed in the first wave--you know the earthquake or heaving of seas or something. after reading angelfall i agree. i think i'll pass on the idea that i could or want to survive the aftermath.

i cannot remember the last time i was so completely and totally gripped by a book. there are few books that leave me thrilled to simply be alive because i was lucky enough to have the experience of reading them (okay, and be alive at all). complete awesomeness.  it was like a movie in my mind (imagine a jack black voice saying that).  i was not surprised when i looked up the author that she is also a filmaker.   

AND i actually screamed in excitement that Daughter of the Forest was listed as one of susan ee's  favorite books.  uh, i knew there was an underlying awesome influence to penryn and raffe. 

after i finished i danced around and it felt that my emotions simply could not be contained in one frail human body.  i had giggled, hugged by knees to my chest, tip-toed in the dark to lock the doors, felt that i had been punched in the gut (even though i have never been), and mostly just kept gliding my finger across the ipad to move to the next page.  and i kept checking the page number to see how much was left--because it was that equal parts i NEVER want this book to end and i MUST get to the end because i am on a roller coaster i cannot stop. 

i was giddy to pass this book on to tim--and that um, mostly never happens.  i came in after he had a chance to read 10 pages at 11:00 that night.  eagerly i asked, "what do you think?"  he said he had just started it.  he was unconvinced that angels could be scary.  and he was unsure of how to picture the main character.

ahem.  i might have had a moment.  where i told him he was no longer allowed to read my sacred angelfall if he couldn't already see the glory streaming from the ipad.  i might have jumped across the bed trying to wrestle the ipad from him and not wake up the sleeping four year old snuggled by him as i declared, "angels are scary!"  "she's beautiful--that's all you need to know!"  sometimes i geek out like that.  he knows to let it pass and usually suggests i   a) eat    b) sleep.  we chose to sleep--back to back. 

so, you are only allowed to read this book if you will love it--otherwise i revoke all spooning privleges. 

i am filled with a weird evangical zeal as well as a secrecy about sharing this book. 

this book is not for most (if any) of my dear gang of readers--but i wish it was because i am dying to have everyone read it and come over to discuss it wearing angel wings and eating ramen noodles.   this book is pretty intense and at times pretty horrific. 

IN HONOR OF AWESOME BOOKS--MY GIFT TODAY IS TO GIVE AWAY 10 KINDLE BOOKS. 

so email me or leave a comment  and tell me if you would like. . .

1) ANGELFALL (you've been warned)

or

2) UNEARTHLY

unearthly by cynthia hand--the other book i read and enjoyed this weekend.

this is a perfect weekend escape.  fleshed out characters--with real relationships.  jackson hole wyoming.  angels.  cowboy.  fly-fishing.  snow.  kissing.  clean read.   i can't wait to pick up the sequel that was released last week. 

29 gifts 29 days: day 7-14

gifts given:  1) bought two boxes of girl scout cookies.  2)  3)  a sister of a friend of a friend emailed me and wanted to purchase some prints of my "mothers who know do less" (the glass ball) picture.  i sent her the full-size image. 4) skyler is the greatest gift giver.  he was giving away some of his christmas toys the day after christmas.  i have to bite my tongue when he gives stuff away.  he gives a lot of stuff to davis.  today he was really sad because he wanted a bey blade too--but he had given his to davis months ago.  i went to walmart and picked him up a new one.    5) i picked up the kids from school.  they usually ride the bus, but love when i pick them up.  6) i had a decision to make.  tim was playing volleyball.  i could "take the day" off or really clean the house and give my family a gift.  my goal was to vacuum and mop--which means the entire house has to be clean.  and i made it.  and it felt awesome for those five minutes:).  7) a secret gift:).

gifts received:  1)  my necklaces.  2)  three shirts from tim.  he gave me one for christmas--and i liked it so much he went back and picked up a shirt in every single color.  3)  water aerobics.  our ward has a water aerobics at a homeowner's gorgeous pool in the morning--the mountain view is amazing.  my visiting teacher is the instructor.   4)  going to a class.  5)  i think this is a gift:)--skyler got into "talking time"  a preschool program for speech.  with davis we were on the waiting list for a year or so.  6) tim took the kids and after i finished cleaning i read an AWESOME book.  7)  9:00 church.  which means i have the gift of a long, lazy sunday afternoon and read another great book. 

 

lessons learned: 

i don't think i fully realized how many gifts people give---some i would not have recognized before.  i think i have come to expect certain things in life and from people.  for example my vt who teaches water aerobics--what a gift she gives every week--but i think i wouldn't have viewed that as a gift of her time before.

i do a lot of things on "auto pilot."  when the girl scout came to my door i was actually going to turn her away.  until i thought, this girl is out here door to door selling cookies that tim loves.  why would i not give $7 for a couple of boxes?

i gave $ again to the library, but decided that the gifts needed to be different for each day to "count."  but it was still fun to open my heart up a little and put money in the box.

sometimes i give with a lot of expectations.  i felt like i really tried to get davis some awesome gifts for his birthday.  he might have been complaining a little the next day because i hadn't returned his faulty gift for a new one.  in that moment i was frustrated that he couldn't see how much work i had went to.  i think that once it leaves my hand that needs to be the end.  whatever people do with it after has to be detached from my giving. 

and a funny thing.  several times when i passed by a mirror i actually stopped.  um, is it strange to be surprised at your own beauty?  i kept passing by and thinking, "wow, i look really beautiful."  i think perhaps that all this focusing on gift giving lightened my countenance or something.  or maybe it was just those three new shirts--that i wore in a row.  and then started rotating through again. 

living the "brutiful"

image via momastery

 

i jumped into the archives of the momastery blog and haven't really come up for air--well i came up for a few chocolate chips cookies that made me feel sick.  so i made herbal tea instead.   i cried and laughed and nodded and hugged my heart and looked around and wondered that someone else could feel like that--and have the gift to write it down. 

"Friend, I am sober this morning. Thank God Almighty, I’m sober this morning. I’m here, friend. Yesterday my son turned eight. Which means that I haven’t had a drink for eight years and eight months. Lots of beautiful and horrible things have happened to me during the past eight years and eight months. And I have more or less handled my business day in and day out without booze."--Glennon, "Recovery."

i'm recovering.

alcoholic?

no.

perfectionist, among other things.  recovering from sadness.  from pain.  from lost expectations. 

if your life isn't everything you expected it to be i think it is brave and courageous to admit it.  and then follow with the work.  to face it.  without addiction.  without numbing it with stacks of books.  or shopping trips to target.  or eating funfetti cake batter in the pantry. or sitting down to hours of blog surfing to avoid life.  or being a whirlwind of apparent awesomeness and waiting for the praise it brings.  or being too busy.   or ignoring it and stuffing it down, hoping no one will see.  convincing yourself that everything is a-okay, when it's not and your gut says its not. 

to walk away from a life-time of unhealthy ways of dealing with life. 

that, my friends, is scary.

your mind may scream--"don't be naked.  don't do it!!!  we've kept up this gig for a long time.  we can do it a little longer."  and your body may become shaky and you may forget how to breathe sometimes.  and you think that everyone knows somehow.  before you felt covered up, but now your padding it gone and you're not sure if you even like what you see and you're too raw and scared of all these feelings that if someone else doesn't like it--you might not be able to handle it.  but you show up again and again--without the booze.  every day.  and it may look like you are handling things worse than before--and maybe that's true.  but you're sober.  and that's the one thing you owe yourself. 

and i think that is brave. 

and i think anyone else who does the same is brave.

i remember the most stirring testimony ever borne in testimony was a new-ish member who talked about his previous struggles with alcohol and how much the gospel had meant to him.  i was amazed that he would share it.  it was real and humble and simple and powerful.  because that it what the gospel is about.  we are all recovering or falling short or hurting.  but we are also all trying.  some of us with more courage than others.  and i look up to those people.  and when i want to hide i think of them. 

and i think those that are trying to face the beauty and pain of life--without numbing--are very brave.  because it can hurt.  so much you hide under your not-even-close-to-being-color-coordinated shirts in the closet--but you know you can't stay there long because you have somewhere to be, on time.   or so much that you think your heart might bust out of your chest when your daughter sings her solo at church and you feel that you might reign it in because you wouldn't want to look proud or you might be embarassed if the members found your flopping heart there in the middle aisle.  and sometimes those two things happen in the very same day.   and sometimes you face it with courage and sometimes you don't.  but you did it--again, without the booze.

glennon from "momastery" uses the world "brutiful" to describe life--brutal and beautiful all wrapped up into one. 

and me, i'm grateful to be living it. 

seeing its gifts, every single day. 

happy 7th davis

photo by colette davis

 

this image squeezes my heart and my breath catches in my throat.  this, just looking at this, is a "kairos" moment. 

the last gift i received last night--a link to this fantastic post about motherhood.  just what i needed to end my day. 

Don't Carpe Diem by Glennon Melton

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."

That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here's what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.

heard in the home

a conversation with bronwyn.

me: "i woke up at 6:00 today."

bronwyn:  "i woke up at 4:00."

me: "really?  what were you doing?"

bronwyn: "dreaming."

29 gifts 29 days: day 8

"Don’t wait for the fear to go away before you start your dream.
The only way to dissolve that fear is to begin your adventure.
We have to act alongside our fears, in the face of our fears, or we will never start.
It’s such a paradox.

The thing that stands in the way of us creating the life we want will only go away if we start creating it.

The good news is this: You will feel empowered by your first steps and they will give you the courage to take many more".  Superhero Journal

 

i believe there is so much power in a guiding word for the year and making goals that are specific, just a bit out of reach, and something you look forward to.  no "shoulds."  just "coulds."  i'd had the post of goals on my computer for a week, refining it.  the day i wrote read four great chapter books for the kids i started to look for a few on the computer.  i found one i wanted to read.  and when i went to the library it was there.  a popular beehive book just there waiting for me.  i think once we focus on something it appears, sometimes like magic:). 

or sometimes we can push forward holding on to that word like a lifeline to get through an experience.  last sunday,  i knew i needed to get up and bear my testimony.  but i also knew i would chicken out.  so i sat there.  conflicted.  hanging on to that word courage.  and then a former bishop in our ward got up.  he said  if any of you are afraid to come up, you just need to come up.  i KNEW he was talking to me.  then he shared a story from his youth when he was on top of the barn with a bunch of boys who were jumping in the hay below.  he was scared, so he scooted to the edge.  finally he decided tojump by sliding off from his place.  he meekly took the chance, and didn't get far.  his pants got caught on a nail on the roof's edge.  he was there dangling, until a friend unhooked him and he fell to the hay.  his point--if you are going to jump

. . . JUMP!

 so, i jumped.  as soon as he finished, i rushed up.  the girl in a row ahead of me started to walk up as well and i wasn't gracious and didn't offer to let her go first.  i needed to get up and down as soon as possible--before i had time to have an anxiety attack.  i mentioned that i knew the bishop was talking to me and ironically i had chosen the phrase "fresh courage take" to guide my year but i didn't think i had enough courage to get up.  i might have also mentioned that i wanted to tattoo that phrase on my arm (even though a member of the stake presidency was on the stand) but decided to write it on my heart instead.  then i bore testimony of the atonement.  the spirit.  the prophet.  the scriptures.  i cried a lot.  i sat down wondering if i had made sense.  feeling really shaky.  tim put his arm around me.  later when i asked how it sounded he held up his phone and asked if i wanted to listen to it--since he had recorded it.  um, i think i'll pass and wait until i can hear it from the angels who recorded it in heaven instead. 

D&C 62: 3 Nevertheless, ye are blessed, for the testimony which ye have borne is recorded in heaven for the angels to look upon; and they rejoice over you, and your sins are forgiven you.
 4 And now continue your journey.

i felt totally washed out and energized (and also vulnerable and a bit embarassed) and very, very brave.  before this past year it wouldn't have been a big deal--but this year, when i had tim sit on the stand for the primary program because it caused me major anxiety--this was a big step of courage. 

the gift i received on monday?  my visiting teacher (who is also davis' primary teacher) came over with a present for davis' birthday.  she also brought a present for skyler and bronwyn.  and one for me.  i opened up mine, after the kids.  she had written a note" "thanks for your inspiring testimony.  these are for your 'fresh courage take' wardrobe."  inside a jewelry box were six handmade necklaces--each with the phrase "fresh courage take."  most in the shape of hearts.  i cried and thanked her.  not only was it a beautiful gift, but in that moment i felt safe having borne my testimony. 

the gift i'm giving today?  sharing this experience.  "'. . .our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other.  In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories.'  When I open-heartedly offer my stories to you, both of us feel less alone.  We both feel braver, stronger, and more completely loved."  Virginia H. Pearce, A Heart Like His. 

 

29 gifts 29 days: day six

gift given:  1)  i gave bronwyn a "piano lesson."  it is one of those things we are always going to do, but never do.  the thought flittered in my mind.  as i was walking up the stairs i thought i have a choice here. . .after church nap or sit down with bronwyn.  so i asked bronwyn if she wanted a "lesson" she exclaimed "yes!!" and hurried down to the piano.  i pretended i was a real piano teacher so i could be super patient and loving and encouraging for our lesson. 

gift received:  1)  we made it through stake conference.  tim was an usher.  when he didn't come down to sit with us on the bench i started to imagine the two hour stretch in front of us.  then tim waved to skyler in the back and skyler helped tim usher.  45 minutes later davis joined him.  what i thought would keep us from staying, kept us staying.  2)  dale and lynett had a birthday dinner and presents for davis.  3)  donna and family brought davis a little treat and some cash.  4)  i had purchased a lovely new kindle book, the touch of power (from a gift certificate from emily) and the greatest gift was sitting down with my ipad and reading it almost all the way through--with a short break for sleeping--and woke up before the family to finish it in the morning.  i knew i would not be able to concentrate on being a mom until i had finished it.   there are few greater gifts than a book that keeps you reading until morning.  and if i can figure out how to share it with emily now, i know she would love it.  5)  kristi brought over a new "start" for me--i had neglected mine a bit in december.  the start she brought me, was a part of the start i had brought her about a month ago.

lesson learned:  reciprocity.  it was fun to see my start, that kristi and nurtured and loved, come back to me when i needed it.  it was fun to imagine sharing a book back with emily that she had given me. 

29 gifts 29 days: day five

gifts given:  1)  $1 donation to a "beary" special cause at build-a-bear.  2) $1 donation to a project for military families.  3)  picked up an extra gift for davis at build a bear and a just because gift for bronwyn. 

 

gifts received:  1) davis' birthday date from my parents.  build-a-bear, lunch and ice fishing.  we joined him for the first portion and left the ice auger-ing to my parents.  2)  a "perfect" day.  3)   restroom access at rachel's house.  we are at a park nearby and the restrooms were closed for the winter.  i think it is a gift to have a close friend who allows you access to your home and heart--at any time.  i also love being at rachel's house--surrounded by her bookshelves (its like being coming home to see so many favorites there) and seeing all her projects and art. 4) gift of gift certificates for a "sneak peek" dinner at a new restaurant--which had stemmed from a gift from my mom from a massage gift certificate.  5) a stuffed animal from "the claw" machine from tim. 

29 gifts 29 days: day four

gifts given:  1) because i couldn't personally thank our mystery giver i decided there was a load of people i could thank.  i had a list of christmas thank you notes to write.  so i dove right in on friday morning and wrote 16.    i was thrilled when i found some stamps from my cleaning out the office moment that were called. . ."magic."  i was a little less thrilled after i put them all on and realized they were 41 cent stamps not 44 cent stamps.  2)  as we were heading to the check out at the library i remembered there was a donation box.  a couple of weeks ago davis had asked about it--and then opened up his checkered velcro wallet and donated his OWN money to the box.  he said, "maybe they'll buy more halo books."  since those books are always checked out when he looks them up (and maybe i haven't ever reserved them for him, since they are adult novels).  so, i gave each kid a dollar to put in the box.  i loved watching bronwyn hold skyler up to put it in.  3)  a teenage girl next to me was checking out books and was told she had a fine and couldn't check out the books if she didn't pay the fine.  i watched her leave her books and walk out.  i have had to do that before.  my heart ached looking at that stack of carefully chosen books.  i kind of went to the door looking after her--thinking i'd tell her to stop and come back and i'd pay her fine.  but i was too late.  note to self act fast on these gifts.  then i saw her come back and walk up the stairs.  a second chance!  i conspired with the librarian--who told me the girl went to get some of the money--and i paid the remaining $5 in fines.  perhaps i felt particuarly warmed because my mom has paid a ridiculous amount of my own fines over the years:).  this was probably one of the most fun gifts.  i kept imagining her surprise when she came back.  and the librarian was so fun and excited about the idea.  later, i would laugh that i hadn't paid my own $4.95 in fines. 

gifts received: 1)  it's magic i tell you.  while i was working on my thank you notes, my friend brooke was texting me asking for some info from me.  you see she was putting together a google doc of addresses for me.  i am woefully behind the times on calendaring and digital address books.  and brooke, without being asked, put together an entire address template for me.  it already has mutual friends info, family info and categories that included previous wards and currents schools.  she even knew friends names from previous wards and added them in.  what a gift.  and she sent it, just as i finished writing my thank you notes.  seriously?  i was at my comptuer, combing through emails to find addresses when it arrived.  what a gift.  and since she also told me about google calendar--my world may be changing.  2)  my friend sarah brought an entire bag of tangerines when she dropped off her son for a playdate.  yum.  3) we recived a check in the mail from selling a big ticket item on KSL that my parents had given us to sell--and told us to keep the change--all of it:). 

lesson learned:  i was reminded of a thought that tim had shared recently.  he taught a lesson in elder's quorum on gratitude.  he showed this video on a little story that president hinckley shared.  two boys, rather than hiding a man's boots, decide to leave a silver dollar in each boot instead.  they hide and wait for the man to find it.  when he does--the man immediately falls to his knees and vocally prays in thanksgiving.  the boys learn he has a sick wife and his children need bread.  tim shared that because the man vocally gave thanks, the boys were able to see what a blessing they had been in this stranger's life.  so, this month is a chance to vocalize some of my thanks for the "silver dollars" in my own life. 

 

President Hinckley retelling the story he heard from his father:  “An older boy and his young companion were walking along a road which led through a field. They saw an old coat and a badly worn pair of men’s shoes by the roadside, and in the distance they saw the owner working in the field.

The younger boy suggested that they hide the shoes, conceal themselves, and watch the perplexity on the owner’s face when he returned.

The older boy … thought that would not be so good. He said the owner must be a very poor man. So, after talking the matter over, at his suggestion, they concluded to try another experiment. Instead of hiding the shoes, they would put a silver dollar in each one and … see what the owner did when he discovered the money. So they did that.

Pretty soon the man returned from the field, put on his coat, slipped one foot into a shoe, felt something hard, took it out and found a silver dollar. Wonder and surprise [shone] upon his face. He looked at the dollar again and again, turned around and could see nobody, then proceeded to put on the other shoe; when to his great surprise he found another dollar. His feelings overcame him. … He knelt down and offered aloud a prayer of thanksgiving, in which he spoke of his wife being sick and helpless and his children without bread. … He fervently thanked the Lord for this bounty from unknown hands and evoked the blessing of heaven upon those who gave him this needed help.

The boys remained [hidden] until he had gone. They had been touched by his prayer and felt something warm within their hearts. As they left to walk down the road, one said to the other, 'Don’t you have a good feeling?'"(Adapted from Bryant S. Hinckley, Not by Bread Alone, 95).